**Trigger warning: Surgical talk and images**
After three months of healing and expander fills, my exchange surgery and reconstruction surgery was scheduled for January of 2021. Thankfully, this surgery would not be as intense as my first and I would have a quicker recovery time. Fitness is a really big part of my life, and I was not allowed to workout at all per doctor orders for about 8 weeks after my first surgery. I finally got the clear to do light workouts shortly before my second surgery, so I made it a point to get moving before I was about to be restricted from exercise for another six weeks post op. Throughout my entire illness, I consistently worked out. But, because I was on so many rounds of steroids I gained about fifteen pounds from it. My body did not like prednisone in the slightest, and unfortunately it didn't help any of my symptoms either. This was the highest weight I had ever been, even more than pregnancy. I went up three jean sizes in the process and my body just felt like complete trash. For me, fitness helps me mentally. It's my release when I'm stressed out, when I need an outlet for anything that's going on. It not only helps me physically, but I need it to stay mentally grounded as well. Not being able to get in the gym or on the bike really weighed heavy on my spirit. I know a lot of people will eye roll this big time, but especially after going through all this I made it extra important to take care of my body more than I already did.
This time around, my surgery was in an outpatient office and it was no comparison to my last one. I was not allowed any support person this time, and had to walk in myself and wait alone. Thankfully, this being a much different experience my apprehension was comforted by a really amazing staff. They set me up in a cozy chair with a blanket in pre-op and hooked me up with my IV. My plastic surgeon came in, marked me up once again with a marker and explained he would be exchanging my expander on the left with a silicone implant, along with an implant on my right side to make things match. I also was getting another revision on my LAT scar to remove a little bit more skin to smooth it out. Shortly after that, they took me back and before I knew it I was waking up in post-op tearfully looking into my hospital gown telling my nurse that this nightmare was finally over. Physically I felt so much better this time, I was able to move around on my own and wasn't completely confined to my bed for weeks. I did have to have my guy take off one of my bandages a few days later that was taped on to my incision with this foam-ish tape bandage that felt my skin was getting peeled off. That was a rough night. I later developed this pretty gnarly allergic reaction to the surgical tape, so back on Prednisone I went. Mentally, I was in the worst state. I was so frustrated with my mental health because everything was done, I should have felt better. But, in my mind I didn't. I had a follow up with my other surgeon who performed the mastectomy and I told her how bad I was feeling in my head. She told me this was totally normal to feel this way. Healing is not linear. I just had two life and body altering surgeries back to back in a pandemic after being really sick for almost an entire year.
When I am feeling any type of way, I write. It's my creative and emotional outlet and it always has been. I can't even go back and read the things I wrote then. They were really dark and heavy, and being so far from that mind state now is such a gift. I got to a point where I decided it was time to seek some help, but I didn't want to be on medication. I'm not against it, but for me I wanted to try to heal differently after having been on so many antibiotics and medications from being sick. I've always tried to approach medicine and care holistically, and I found a really incredible naturopath locally. I sat across from her at her desk in her cozy and light office and completely broke down. The last five years were the most insane years of my life, and things just happened one after the other without me ever being able to grieve them the right way. I would just put my head down and keep going, but having a mastectomy was my force stop. I fixed what needed to be fixed physically from getting sick, but now I needed to fix myself emotionally and spiritually. Dr. C saved my life. I sat there a broken woman, and along with her help and guidance she showed me that I could heal myself from the inside out. After running bloodwork, she got me on a vitamin and supplement routine to fix what I was deficient in. She also for a long time was weekly doing acupuncture and cupping for me. Now, I see her about once a month. It truly has changed me emotionally and spiritually. I still have anxiety, but my daily panic attacks don't happen anymore. They are far and few between. Don't get me wrong, there are times where I fall into a little pattern where they kick up. But, when they do I immediately talk to her and we come up with a solution. Whether it be a homeopathic route, or just being able to vent about things to shift my mindset. There's been many times where she has said to me, "you've gotten through xyz, you'll get through this too the same way." I've also started to do reiki sessions monthly, with another incredible woman that was introduced to me from another remarkable woman. When you're able to find a powerful group of women, who want nothing more than to see you flourish with the tools you already are equip with, things start to flow differently.
Going through this rollercoaster taught me so much about myself. I lost who I was in all of this, but I found myself too. I found the strength that was so deeply rooted in me, the strength I have relied on so many times these last couple of years. I found the ebbs and flows of womanhood. I found humility. I found my voice in advocating for myself medically. I found the drive and fight to believe in myself and my passions. I found so much more respect for women who endure these surgeries, because there's not enough outlet for us. We tend to suffer in silence and that is a very LOUD place to be. I also found a really wonderful non-profit organization called The Breasties,(www.thebreasties.org) where I have met some incredible lifelong friends. I urge you to check them out, they are a remarkable organization for women whom are pre-vivors, survivors, caregivers, etc.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read about what I went through. I hope you know that you can conquer anything that life throws at you, no matter how long it may take. You will get to the other side. Life is fulls of pits and peaks. Not every day is going to feel the way you want it to, but the struggle will push you closer to the good side. My e-mail is always open.
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