I became a Mother two days after I turned twenty six. My Mother died three weeks prior from a long battle with cancer. I waited my entire life for my own baby, and the moment I saw him that core belief in me was confirmed, especially after the current hell at the time of losing my Mom right before I was becoming one myself. Twenty two-ish hours of labor and an emergency caesarean section were not ideal, but that's how he decided to arrive not long after midnight on November 22, 2015. I didn't get to hold him for almost five hours because he was rushed away to the NICU for some complications, but boy when I did... bliss. My biggest life dream came true the minute he was born, and I truly believe if it was not for him I would be a different woman than I am today.
Almost six and half years later, I am raising a beautiful, confident, wild, strawberry blonde haired nature loving boy on as a solo parent. After his Father passed shortly after he turned one, it has been me and him against the world. I am lucky enough to have some great people in my life who have helped me tremendously raising him, but at the end of the day I still always feel as though his world is on my shoulders. We do our best raising our babies to be accepting, loving, and kind. But, for me I always felt the extra responsibility because I'm two parents in one. And let me tell you...sometimes it is not for the faint of heart. Raising him has taught me so much about myself, and the things I had to change about me to be a better Mother for him. I struggled with some pretty heavy PPA (postpartum anxiety) on top of the existing anxiety I already have, and I never really knew it was a thing because the main talk is usually postpartum depression. I didn't leave my house for the first six months of his life besides doctor appointments. Raising him as a solo Mama, I started to see things in myself that I knew I needed to work on so he could get the best version of me. (most of the time, because we all have our days right?) I knew I had to find my own coping mechanisms to handle my reactions and my anxiety, so he could be led into making positive decisions and healthy reactions for himself. I'm not perfect, and I still have my days where I lay in bed at night with tears in my eyes feeling defeated and like I could have done more as a Mom that day. But, I try to remind myself that I am one person who has to wear many hats and my son also needs to see that it's okay to make mistakes, and to know how to apologize when the not so good stuff does happen.
I think we all know how the ages 3-4 are, and I was on the struggle bus with developmental growths with him. I purchased Breathe Mama Breathe by Shonda Moralis shortly before that and started to pick away at it slowly once Preston would go to bed, which was another huge battle for us for a long time which I also always beat myself up for naturally. Mindfulness has become such a big part of my personal growth not only as a Mom but just a human in general. I've faced some really heavy obstacles in my adult life, and changing my perspective sometimes has eternally helped me. The biggest tips I have for keeping my cool in tough Mom situations at this current age are....
Sometimes it's okay to walk away from a tantrum to cool down before you handle it. I would catch myself immediately reacting from my own anxiety struggle and raising my voice helped nobody. When I'm able to collect myself, the results are SO much different. Kids have BIG feelings too and taking a breather has helped us both.
Active listening. Just because we're the grown ups, doesn't always mean we are right, or handled things the best way. The older Preston has gotten, the more he is able to tell me how he really feels about things and we work at a solution as a team. Him feeling heard is so important to me, and it's helped his problem solving skills as well when he has to handle something on his own, like in school.
Sometimes one of us just needs a hug, so that's what we do.
Self-care. I know this is drilled into our heads but really, are you taking care of YOU? Even if it's something small, taking that time can completely re-route your mindset. For me, exercise is a non-negotiable. I need it for my mental health and the body transformation has been an added plus! I also love to read, write obviously, and doing anything outside brings me immense happiness.
Give yourself grace. Even though we may be the parent, we are SO many other things too. An individual, a partner, a friend. I know it's so hard to get lost in parenthood, and let's face it that it can be a really lonely places sometimes. But, it is not your only definition. It took me a really long time to realize that. It's not selfish to also grow personally and do the things you have always loved to do or to try new things too. We are ever evolving and growing, just like our babies are. Let's show them that.
Even if you aren't a parent yet, these can be tweaked into serving yourself in a tough situation. I'm always here if ya need an ear.